Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Happy Holidays to everyone!

While I celebrate both Christmas and Hannukah, there’s no denying the holiday that stops America in its tracks — that’s Christmas. That’s why I’ve chosen Christmas as the holiday of choice to reveal certain Red Sox personnel’s holiday gift lists that were acquired in some unseemly ways. And away we go…

Theo Epstein: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Why? Because one of the missions has the game-player defending a bridge from attack.

David Ortiz: (I hate to say it… especially since I believe him… but I have to…) Steroids.

Kevin Youkilis: Clinical strength deodorant. Do I really need to explain why?

Jonathan Papelbon: Gobs and gobs of money.

Daniel Bard: Papelbon to continue asking for money.

Ramon R. Ramirez: A name change.

Dustin Pedroia: Rogaine and platform shoes. No further explanation needed.

Marco Scutaro: A flak jacket, upon the recommendation of Julio Lugo and Edgar Renteria.

Clay Buchholz: A model as wife… oh, wait…

Mike Lowell: Theo Epstein hogtied in Lowell’s closet. Why? Because THE TABLES ARE TURNED NOW! How about that, Mr. Boy Wonder? Who controls whose fate now?

Jason Varitek: A rocking chair.

Tim Wakefield: A rotation spot. (Note: Lost among the Lackey signing was Wakefield being bumped from the rotation with 11 wins for 200, 17 for the Red Sox’s wins record. Doubtful he reaches it over the next two years now… unless a move is made.)

John Lackey: Josh Beckett’s hemp necklaces. Texans gotta stick together.

J.D. Drew: A great big hug from Red Sox Nation.

Jacoby Ellsbury: A real estate agent in San Diego.

Daisuke Matsuzaka: Lessons from Curt Schilling, Greg Maddux and Paul Byrd on how not to walk people.

Casey Kotchman: Some respect.

Jason Bay: A fifth year… please? … Pretty please? It’s the Mets, for the love of god!

Red Sox fans: A trade for Adrian Gonzalez! If we can’t have that, we’ll double up our Christmas list next year for a Joe Mauer signing.

(No, Fire Brand was not hijacked. May not be your typical meaty opinion and analysis, but cut us some slack. It’s Christmas. For more levity, check out this great Red Sox riff on The Night Before Christmas.)