The TrollBag

In celebration of the 2013 World Champion Boston Red Sox, Daniel breaks out his longest TrollBag ever.

LOOK AT HOW HAPPY DANIEL NAVA IS. Photo courtesy of Kelly O’Connor.

It’s post-World-Series-championship TrollBag time! You guys know the drill…

Well, maybe.

I sure do! I remember it like it was two weeks ago! Man, those were the days.

As this week’s TrollBag is our first post-championship one, it’s gonna be mega-size. You guys sent in over 70 questions this go around, which was probably the most I’ve ever gotten for a single one (although I’m sure not going to go find out). We’re gonna have a little more structure to it than in renditions past, because, while the “organized chaos” method of TrollBags past was fun, this was much faster and easier to write.

Let’s lead off with everything World Series-related. Just…just get it out of your system, guys.

How can they be the worst again when you’re the worst?

No no no, see, winning all the time isn’t the Yankee Way any more. They’re all about signing overpriced veterans now, so, for starters, we should probably go throw $100 million at Curtis Granderson and then go from there.

I will say I think the “Best Fans in Baseball” backlash got to be a little overblown as the playoffs – particularly the World Series itself – progressed. Every fanbase has their crazies; when you put them on display like that, it’ll make any group look bad. Overall, I have a lot of respect for the Cardinals organization and I view their fans the same as I view any other team’s.

That said, not every fanbase had the same level of pomp and pretentiousness as the St. Louis Cardinals, so it was fun to laugh at regardless.

That would have to be Kaz Uehara, owner of the greatest post-game interview ever.

I’m scared to even imagine, honestly. I have no doubt that Mike Napoli will be at the center of it, though, provided he returns.

*nods*

Overall, I learned this week that Fire Brand’s TrollBaggers (don’t try to fight that name, that’s what I’m going with) are a surprisingly practical bunch: not content with savoring our latest championship, most of our questions revolved around securing next year’s.

Seeing as that’s what the people wanted, let’s get—

GAH. ALRIGHT. JEEZ.

We’ll get going here with some reasonable trade ideas and offseason signings.

There’s only so much Middlebrooks to go around, you guys! Calm down a little bit; you know, try not to seem so eager to ship him out of town. Jeez.

Besides, he’s going to be the centerpiece of our upcoming trade to get Felix Hernandez and Taijuan Walker from the Mariners. As fans, we’ve really gotta keep our priorities straight here.

Why stop there? If we throw in Carlos Beltran, we might as well hand the 2014 World Series to the Red Sox right now. No one team should have all that clutchness.

Either…? Both…? Let’s go with both.

You’ll get no arguments here from me, I suppose. Get on it, Ben Cherington.

Actually, Kevin, I’m more upset with you for not sending that three-team trade proposal to @TrollBagQs. I thought you knew better than that! You’ve been TrollBag Sniped (see: later in column).

Monday! Monday! Buy two, get one free! All former Braves must go!

Has anybody called Smoltz yet, or should I be the first?

Unicorns and leprechauns might even be shorting it. Why are you selling Daniel Nava short, Tim?

I legitimately would not have expected that Ervin Santana would get mentioned twice in a single TrollBag. Huh.

Anyways, we can totally ride that unicorn because TIM TRADED DANIEL NAVA FOR IT.

WHY’D YOU HAVE TO GO AND DO THAT, TIM?

Anyways, now it’s time for a very special new installment in the TrollBag: MIKE NAPOLI POWER HOUR!

All Napoli, all the time!

I’m actually pretty convinced that Mike Napoli’s hips are made out of diamond.

That, or his body processes alcohol like a normal human’s processes water. Actually, that’s probably it. Beer is necessary for Napoli’s survival.

Join him, bro! What are you waiting for?

Question for the readers: what exactly do you imagine a bender with Napoli would be like? Let’s croudsource this.

Please no.

This question’s inclusion in MIKE NAPOLI POWER HOUR should be all the answer that is required here.

Shout-out to David Ross’ beard, though. In my opinion, it was highly underrated in the overall Red Sox Beard Rankings by most people. I preferred it to Gomes’s, honestly. The grey hair gave it character.

Leaving this here because it happened.

Can I answer with “all of the above?” I’m going with “all of the above.”

By the way, that means Mike Napoli AND the Twitter account, too. Naturally.

How about some general Red Sox stuff now, guys?

This is probably a really safe bet but… if the Sox miss out on Brian McCann, Cafardo will be ALL OVER THAT. The poor guy might develop a drinking problem.

PITCH FRAMING IS COMING.

Let’s be honest – Koji and ANYBODY is baseball’s best bromance.

Although…

Nothing to see here, guys. Bitter Rays fan. Moving along.

Well… wouldn’t you?

7.

Either…? Both…? Let’s go with both.

You threw me with “current player,” because my answer here would be Kelly Shoppach otherwise.

I’ll go with Pedroia. I feel like his would be particularly… not family friendly.

The 2004 squad would fall at about a 9, 2007 at a 6, and 2013 at Aceves.

Aceves’s fleeting presence on the 2013 roster skews the rankings, for obvious reasons.

Yes.

As always, we have a few general MLB questions as well, so we’ll hit those right now.

Tragically, Kim’s streak of Barry Zito questions came to an end this week. In our hearts, though, it will live on forever.

Maybe!

I think it’s definitely possible that Dom Brown suffers from a severe lack of TWTW. If he were really all that good, the Phillies would have won more games, wouldn’t they? It’s a concerning question, I’m sure.

But enough of the rest of the MLB! Let’s move on!

Sometimes, the TrollBag doesn’t really need my input. I feel like some of your questions are best left to speak for themselves occasionally. That’s normal.

What’s not normal is when TrollBaggers start, like, communicating with each other.

They’re… oh no, they’re organizing!

Take shelter!

It’s like they don’t even need me anymore!

And now, as with every edition of the TrollBag, we trail off into the general nonsense/insanity phase of our questions. Bring us home, you guys.

what

Menino, of course.

“Writer for Flame Brand of America, David Poach!”

Vaguely?

Hey Josh. Good to see ya. This section exists almost exclusively for you. Enjoy!

You’ve had an impressive outing this time around, Ben. However, Tim Brooks is a juggernaut when it comes to the TrollBag. He’s our Babe Ruth. The body of work is just unparalleled.

Come on, man, Koji doesn’t fight people. He’s a pacifist.

Besides, who would fight back? Nobody wants to fight Koji.

First, I think you meant to say “Why are apples the most delicious things ever?”

Second, way to rip off this tweet from 2012:

(That showed up in “related tweets,” so alrighty then.)

Third, my new favorite practice is what I like to call TrollBag Sniping: adding tweets to the TrollBag that are not sent in as questions.

THE TROLLBAG IS ALWAYS WATCHING. THERE IS NO ESCAPE.

Here’s my challenge to you, readers: I like this whole “replace movie spoilers with Aceves” thing. Bring me more! The best ones will go at the end of the next TrollBag.

You know, if I remember.

Yes.

Yes.

And finally, mercifully, we are finished. Thanks for reading, guys. Until next time!

Categories: Boston Red Sox Brandon Workman Bryce Brentz Clay Buchholz Daniel Nava David Ortiz Dustin Pedroia J.D. Drew Jackie Bradley Jacoby Ellsbury Koji Uehara Will Middlebrooks Xander Bogaerts

I'm currently an undergraduate Multimedia Journalism major at Virginia Tech and, with over 630 followers, you could say I'm kind of a big deal on Twitter dot com. I'm Fire Brand's Monday columnist, the creator of the TrollBag (sorry about that) and also the guy who writes those polls every week. I tweet far too much, but you should follow me anyways.

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