LOOK AT HOW HAPPY DANIEL NAVA IS. Photo courtesy of Kelly O’Connor.
https://twitter.com/AdamKoscielak/status/397390097781641217
Well, maybe.
—
https://twitter.com/JK7_/status/398973631583096832
I sure do! I remember it like it was two weeks ago! Man, those were the days.
As this week’s TrollBag is our first post-championship one, it’s gonna be mega-size. You guys sent in over 70 questions this go around, which was probably the most I’ve ever gotten for a single one (although I’m sure not going to go find out). We’re gonna have a little more structure to it than in renditions past, because, while the “organized chaos” method of TrollBags past was fun, this was much faster and easier to write.
Let’s lead off with everything World Series-related. Just…just get it out of your system, guys.
@TrollBagQs Do you think it's likely that the Sox go from worst to first, then back to worst?
— Merry Crys(tal)mas?? (@crystalli0) November 4, 2013
How can they be the worst again when you’re the worst?
@PoarchDaniel Doesn't winning all time make us like the Yankees we hated? Shouldn't we return to brutal losses to regain our identity?
— Timothy Brooks (@pastortimbrooks) November 9, 2013
No no no, see, winning all the time isn’t the Yankee Way any more. They’re all about signing overpriced veterans now, so, for starters, we should probably go throw $100 million at Curtis Granderson and then go from there.
@PoarchDaniel @TrollBagQs WAS THE CARDINALS WORLD SERIES LOSS BASED ON THE MORAL FAILINGS ON THEIR FANS?
— ‘Tis I. Andrew. Among the living. (@thegnc) November 5, 2013
I will say I think the “Best Fans in Baseball” backlash got to be a little overblown as the playoffs – particularly the World Series itself – progressed. Every fanbase has their crazies; when you put them on display like that, it’ll make any group look bad. Overall, I have a lot of respect for the Cardinals organization and I view their fans the same as I view any other team’s.
That said, not every fanbase had the same level of pomp and pretentiousness as the St. Louis Cardinals, so it was fun to laugh at regardless.
https://twitter.com/Chip_Buck/status/399314872993087489
That would have to be Kaz Uehara, owner of the greatest post-game interview ever.
If the Sox have another postseason celebration next year, what new trend will they create?
— TrollBag Questions (@TrollBagQs) November 9, 2013
I’m scared to even imagine, honestly. I have no doubt that Mike Napoli will be at the center of it, though, provided he returns.
https://twitter.com/Chip_Buck/status/399274981504208896
https://twitter.com/Chip_Buck/status/399274832526729216
*nods*
Overall, I learned this week that Fire Brand’s TrollBaggers (don’t try to fight that name, that’s what I’m going with) are a surprisingly practical bunch: not content with savoring our latest championship, most of our questions revolved around securing next year’s.
Seeing as that’s what the people wanted, let’s get—
@PoarchDaniel @TrollBagQs WHO ARE WE SIGNING WHO ARE WE TRADING FOR GOGOGOGOGOGOGO
— OverTheMonster (@OverTheMonster) November 5, 2013
GAH. ALRIGHT. JEEZ.
We’ll get going here with some reasonable trade ideas and offseason signings.
.@TrollBagQs WMB and Alex Wilson for Jose Fernandez? Seems fair.
— The Official Xander Bogaerts Victory Lap Account (@BenCarsley) November 3, 2013
https://twitter.com/kevinrpereira/status/399181654104997888
There’s only so much Middlebrooks to go around, you guys! Calm down a little bit; you know, try not to seem so eager to ship him out of town. Jeez.
Besides, he’s going to be the centerpiece of our upcoming trade to get Felix Hernandez and Taijuan Walker from the Mariners. As fans, we’ve really gotta keep our priorities straight here.
@TrollBagQs How long until Cafardo tells us the Sox cannot win a championship without Mauer and Young?
— Tyler (@BayareaSoxfan) November 4, 2013
https://twitter.com/mynewhate/status/397216025340420096
Why stop there? If we throw in Carlos Beltran, we might as well hand the 2014 World Series to the Red Sox right now. No one team should have all that clutchness.
@TrollBagQs Xander Bogaerts straight up for Manny Machado. Who says no?
— Kevin (@KPHokie615) November 4, 2013
Either…? Both…? Let’s go with both.
@TrollBagQs trade Bogaerts for pitching, put Hanigan at SS?
— The Official Xander Bogaerts Victory Lap Account (@BenCarsley) November 8, 2013
You’ll get no arguments here from me, I suppose. Get on it, Ben Cherington.
https://twitter.com/kevinrpereira/status/398974299534807040
https://twitter.com/kevinrpereira/status/399009212212453376
Actually, Kevin, I’m more upset with you for not sending that three-team trade proposal to @TrollBagQs. I thought you knew better than that! You’ve been TrollBag Sniped (see: later in column).
@TrollBagQs if the Red Sox sign McCann and Hudson do we get a Chipper for free? #MLBLetsMakeADeal
— Tyler (@BayareaSoxfan) November 9, 2013
Monday! Monday! Buy two, get one free! All former Braves must go!
Has anybody called Smoltz yet, or should I be the first?
@PoarchDaniel @TrollBagQs If the Red Sox were to dangle Nava in the offseason, they should demand unicorns and leprechauns (&No less), yes?
— Timothy Brooks (@pastortimbrooks) November 6, 2013
Unicorns and leprechauns might even be shorting it. Why are you selling Daniel Nava short, Tim?
@TrollBagQs should the Red Sox give Ervin Santana $100M or Ricky Nolasco $80M? Or both?
— The Official Xander Bogaerts Victory Lap Account (@BenCarsley) November 8, 2013
@TrollBagQs if Santana makes 100 million, how do we know when its our turn to ride on the back of his unicorn that poops gold?
— Tyler (@BayareaSoxfan) November 8, 2013
I legitimately would not have expected that Ervin Santana would get mentioned twice in a single TrollBag. Huh.
Anyways, we can totally ride that unicorn because TIM TRADED DANIEL NAVA FOR IT.
WHY’D YOU HAVE TO GO AND DO THAT, TIM?
Anyways, now it’s time for a very special new installment in the TrollBag: MIKE NAPOLI POWER HOUR!
All Napoli, all the time!
@TrollBagQs should the Sox be more concerned about Napolis hips or liver?
— Tyler (@BayareaSoxfan) November 4, 2013
I’m actually pretty convinced that Mike Napoli’s hips are made out of diamond.
That, or his body processes alcohol like a normal human’s processes water. Actually, that’s probably it. Beer is necessary for Napoli’s survival.
@TrollBagQs Mike Napoli just stumbled by my apartment in Phoenix, still half-naked and hammered. What should I do?
— Brett Cowett (@BACowett) November 4, 2013
Join him, bro! What are you waiting for?
Question for the readers: what exactly do you imagine a bender with Napoli would be like? Let’s croudsource this.
@PoarchDaniel @TrollBagQs I don't see what is so great about Napoli. If he wanted to make a statement, ditch the pants, right?
— Timothy Brooks (@pastortimbrooks) November 6, 2013
Please no.
@TrollBagQs who gets/got the award for Best Beard in Boston?
— Kate Robertson (@kate3robertson) November 5, 2013
This question’s inclusion in MIKE NAPOLI POWER HOUR should be all the answer that is required here.
Shout-out to David Ross’ beard, though. In my opinion, it was highly underrated in the overall Red Sox Beard Rankings by most people. I preferred it to Gomes’s, honestly. The grey hair gave it character.
Bet you can guess our answer! RT @TheCookson802: @TrollBagQs Better pic: shirtless Mike Napoli or any picture of Xander Bogaerts?
— Shirtless Mike (@ShirtlessNapoli) November 5, 2013
Leaving this here because it happened.
@TrollBagQs Best chance to join Big Papi in the HOF, Bogaerts, Ryan Hanigan or @ShirtlessNapoli ?
— Joshua Cookson (@TheCookson802) November 9, 2013
Can I answer with “all of the above?” I’m going with “all of the above.”
By the way, that means Mike Napoli AND the Twitter account, too. Naturally.
How about some general Red Sox stuff now, guys?
https://twitter.com/Chip_Buck/status/399275846772355072
This is probably a really safe bet but… if the Sox miss out on Brian McCann, Cafardo will be ALL OVER THAT. The poor guy might develop a drinking problem.
Is David Ross related to Eddard Stark?
— TrollBag Questions (@TrollBagQs) November 9, 2013
PITCH FRAMING IS COMING.
@TrollBagQs Is Papi and Koji the best baseball bromance?
— Kevin (@KPHokie615) November 4, 2013
Let’s be honest – Koji and ANYBODY is baseball’s best bromance.
Although…
https://twitter.com/ChrisBarnewall/status/397233554905501697
Nothing to see here, guys. Bitter Rays fan. Moving along.
https://twitter.com/ChrisBarnewall/status/397391110625976320
https://twitter.com/Chip_Buck/status/399314272385515520
Well… wouldn’t you?
https://twitter.com/Chip_Buck/status/399275298039939073
7.
https://twitter.com/twarner50/status/397390482072158210
Either…? Both…? Let’s go with both.
@TrollBagQs If this thing is limited to Red Sox questions, which current player can do the best Bobby Valentine impression?
— Drew Balis (@drewBbalis) November 5, 2013
You threw me with “current player,” because my answer here would be Kelly Shoppach otherwise.
I’ll go with Pedroia. I feel like his would be particularly… not family friendly.
@TrollBagQs Rank the three Sox championship teams on the crazy scale from 1 to Aceves
— Joshua Cookson (@TheCookson802) November 5, 2013
The 2004 squad would fall at about a 9, 2007 at a 6, and 2013 at Aceves.
Aceves’s fleeting presence on the 2013 roster skews the rankings, for obvious reasons.
@PoarchDaniel @TrollBagQs some over/unders: .500 batting average, 75 doubles, 40 HRs for Xander next year?
— jack (@jackhaveitall) November 4, 2013
Yes.
As always, we have a few general MLB questions as well, so we’ll hit those right now.
Tragically, Kim’s streak of Barry Zito questions came to an end this week. In our hearts, though, it will live on forever.
https://twitter.com/ColePatty/status/397760495840538624
Maybe!
@TrollBagQs Do you think Dom Brown really "gets it"? I know he had a good season, but how much does he care? Do you respect his hustle?
— Drew Balis (@drewBbalis) November 5, 2013
I think it’s definitely possible that Dom Brown suffers from a severe lack of TWTW. If he were really all that good, the Phillies would have won more games, wouldn’t they? It’s a concerning question, I’m sure.
But enough of the rest of the MLB! Let’s move on!
Sometimes, the TrollBag doesn’t really need my input. I feel like some of your questions are best left to speak for themselves occasionally. That’s normal.
What’s not normal is when TrollBaggers start, like, communicating with each other.
They’re… oh no, they’re organizing!
Take shelter!
https://twitter.com/kevinrpereira/status/397463674635288576
@kevinrpereira @HunterGBaseball @BenCarsley22 @TrollBagQs I thought we were getting King Felix in every trade?
— Brandon Stewart (@Brandon5tewart) November 4, 2013
@Brandon5tewart @kevinrpereira @HunterGBaseball @TrollBagQs would then flip Cargo for Felix, but then not send Cargo, obvi
— The Official Xander Bogaerts Victory Lap Account (@BenCarsley) November 4, 2013
@BenCarsley22 @kevinrpereira @HunterGBaseball @TrollBagQs good call.
— Brandon Stewart (@Brandon5tewart) November 4, 2013
@BenCarsley22 @Brandon5tewart @kevinrpereira @TrollBagQs Felix for Carp?
— Hunter Golden (@HunterGBaseball) November 4, 2013
@HunterGBaseball @BenCarsley22 @kevinrpereira @TrollBagQs carp is the next David Ortiz, so no. I'd give up Aceves for Felix though.
— Brandon Stewart (@Brandon5tewart) November 4, 2013
@Brandon5tewart @BenCarsley22 @kevinrpereira @TrollBagQs Carp should play full time every position. They'll take Brentz tho.
— Hunter Golden (@HunterGBaseball) November 4, 2013
@HunterGBaseball @BenCarsley22 @kevinrpereira @TrollBagQs with or without the bullet in his leg?
— Brandon Stewart (@Brandon5tewart) November 4, 2013
https://twitter.com/kevinrpereira/status/397465182491783169
@kevinrpereira @HunterGBaseball @BenCarsley22 @TrollBagQs maybe we could get Ellsbury back in trade from them when he signs there then.
— Brandon Stewart (@Brandon5tewart) November 4, 2013
@kevinrpereira @Brandon5tewart @BenCarsley22 @TrollBagQs Price of ammunition has gone way up guys. That's a steal.
— Hunter Golden (@HunterGBaseball) November 4, 2013
@HunterGBaseball @kevinrpereira @BenCarsley22 @TrollBagQs truth.
— Brandon Stewart (@Brandon5tewart) November 4, 2013
https://twitter.com/kevinrpereira/status/397465677470003200
@kevinrpereira @Brandon5tewart @BenCarsley22 @TrollBagQs So good. So good.
— Hunter Golden (@HunterGBaseball) November 4, 2013
It’s like they don’t even need me anymore!
And now, as with every edition of the TrollBag, we trail off into the general nonsense/insanity phase of our questions. Bring us home, you guys.
@TrollBagQs Daddy would you like some Sausage? http://t.co/N26XMociIp
— Hunter Golden (@HunterGBaseball) November 4, 2013
what
@TrollBagQs Would you rather have your name read out loud by Bud Selig or Tom "Mumbles" Menino?
— Joshua Cookson (@TheCookson802) November 4, 2013
Menino, of course.
“Writer for Flame Brand of America, David Poach!”
https://twitter.com/ChrisBarnewall/status/397760368786690048
Vaguely?
@PoarchDaniel @TrollBagQs do you loooove me? Do you love me? Do you loooove me? Do you love me?
— Hot Dog Man (@JoshuaZavadil) November 5, 2013
@PoarchDaniel @TrollBagQs how much woodchuck could a woodchuck chug if a woodchuck could chug woodchuck?
— Hot Dog Man (@JoshuaZavadil) November 5, 2013
@PoarchDaniel @TrollBagQs Mary had a little lamb. She was really confused, though. Why did she give birth to a lamb?
— Hot Dog Man (@JoshuaZavadil) November 5, 2013
@PoarchDaniel @TrollBagQs could the celtics beat the bobcats haha get it
— Hot Dog Man (@JoshuaZavadil) November 5, 2013
Hey Josh. Good to see ya. This section exists almost exclusively for you. Enjoy!
@TrollBagQs am I going to break the TrollBag record this week?
— The Official Xander Bogaerts Victory Lap Account (@BenCarsley) November 9, 2013
You’ve had an impressive outing this time around, Ben. However, Tim Brooks is a juggernaut when it comes to the TrollBag. He’s our Babe Ruth. The body of work is just unparalleled.
. @PoarchDaniel @TrollBagQs who wins in a fight, Koji or God
— Lifelong Pelicans Fan Man 69☭ (@HebertofRiffs) November 4, 2013
Come on, man, Koji doesn’t fight people. He’s a pacifist.
Besides, who would fight back? Nobody wants to fight Koji.
why are apples the loudest, most obnoxious food to eat ever?
— Kate Robertson (@kate3robertson) November 5, 2013
First, I think you meant to say “Why are apples the most delicious things ever?”
Second, way to rip off this tweet from 2012:
My girl's favorite fruit, apples-the loudest most obnoxious fruit in the world.Why couldn't she have liked a nice peaceful fruit like grapes
— Mitchell Winter (@MitchWinter33) February 1, 2012
(That showed up in “related tweets,” so alrighty then.)
Third, my new favorite practice is what I like to call TrollBag Sniping: adding tweets to the TrollBag that are not sent in as questions.
THE TROLLBAG IS ALWAYS WATCHING. THERE IS NO ESCAPE.
@TrollBagQs I am going to rewrite Citizen Kane and it will be the same but at the end his sled will be named Aceves.
— The Official Xander Bogaerts Victory Lap Account (@BenCarsley) October 2, 2013
@TrollBagQs I'm going to rewrite Harry Potter and everything will be the same except Aceves will kill Dumbledore
— The Official Xander Bogaerts Victory Lap Account (@BenCarsley) November 9, 2013
@TrollBagQs I'm going to rewrite the screenplay for Signs but the Aliens will be weakened by Alfredo Aceves, not water.
— The Official Xander Bogaerts Victory Lap Account (@BenCarsley) October 30, 2013
Here’s my challenge to you, readers: I like this whole “replace movie spoilers with Aceves” thing. Bring me more! The best ones will go at the end of the next TrollBag.
You know, if I remember.
https://twitter.com/ChrisBarnewall/status/397817061075722240
Yes.
@PoarchDaniel @TrollBagQs do you think Boston
— Hot Dog Man (@JoshuaZavadil) November 5, 2013
Yes.
And finally, mercifully, we are finished. Thanks for reading, guys. Until next time!