Dear Theo,
Hey losers. Roger Clemens here wondering where my 15 million dollar offer is. Floating in the breeze somewhere maybe? But of course take your time pretty boy, Lenny DiNardo is only your fifth starter. Tim Wakefield is only 1-4 with a personal catcher that seems to be getting frequent FedEx?s from Kevin Millar entitled Jack Daniels: Fragile. No need for a seven-time Cy Young winner with over 4,500 strikeouts and 341 wins, especially when your hated rival is gunning for my services as well.
Don?t get me wrong, I?m willing to listen. I want to hear you cry, beg, get down on your hands and knees for Roger, it?ll be fun Golden Boy. Deep down, it pains me I left Boston on such bad terms. Give me a break, I was young and messed up then, and the ownership stuck. Theo, while I may not be a fan, you have done a nice little job winning a World Series, and I applaud you for that. Nothing would give me more pleasure than to toe the Fenway slab as #21 to a standing roar from the Fenway Faithful and win a World Series that has so mysteriously escaped my grasp. You saw my SportsCentury. Yeah, you know what I?m hinting at, man.
Unfortunately for your Casablanca bootay, I?ve already committed to the Yankees. Ouch for the Red Sox and your hissing, complaining, pathetic fan base. I?m winning a World Series with the Evil Empire and I?ve had that made up since January.
C?mon Theo, did you really think I was going to finish my illustrious career pitching against South Africa in the freakin World Baseball Classic. Honestly, bro, to quote Young MC, I ain?t goin out like that. And do you really believe I?m finishing my stay in pinstripes with a standing ovation in freakin Pro Player Stadium? With a World Series lost to the Marlins?
George Steinbrenner and I have had conversation. Deep, raunchy, intense conversation that has gone completely behind the scenes (thanks to the fact I?m a genuine nincompoop and no reporter really wants to give me a Sunday Conversation, jeez I could use one someday, where is Rachel Nichols when I need her?), and the Yankees are my boys. Don?t be too discouraged, I like Curt Schilling. He?s a decent pitcher. And Josh Beckett is fun to watch. Not Roger Clemens, but whatever. The offense will carry you guys, for sure.
Honestly, would you turn down an offense with Johnny Damon, Captain Jeter, A-Rod, Matsui and Sheffield? That?s guaranteed four, five runs a night, which basically equals Roger going 17-0 starting June 1st. Alex Gonzalez, Mark Loretta and Mike Lowell? Ehh, not very attractive to the greatest pitcher of all-time. As for the money, we all know King George will not only match, but topple, any of your petty offers. Let?s just hope Schilling holds up.
See you in the ALCS,
The Rocket
P.S. Oh and in 1993, that wasn?t a double chin. You idiots were just imagining things.
