Now coming to you in a promotional spot for NESN Friday night baseball, FOX Saturday afternoon baseball and ESPN Sunday Night baseball…
The Yankees are coming to town.
The villainous Evil Empire pressed their tentacled feet down on the tarmac in the Athens of America sometime during early morning today, sending a cold shiver down the spine of every man, woman, child and beast that calls New England home.
Led by Holy Captain Jeter and his minions, the gray uniforms and mighty superiority of no last names on the back of the road apparel will infest the Cathedral of Sports Stadiums (or is it stadia?) tonight to wage a holy war against the defenders of the light, the guardians of all that is good and decent, the Live Wire of Baseball, the Boston Red Sox.
Even though demigod Jeter is sidelined with an injury from too much frolicking with women and then not paying their parking tab and his hot-headed compatriot Jorge Posada’s arm feeling “dead” from all his pointing at Pedro Martinez incessantly since Pedro took out the Gerbil, worry not: they have plenty of Stormtroopers ready to take up the charge.
While the Yankees will trot out feared sinker-master Chien-Ming Wang from halfway around the world schooled in karate by the immortal Kesuke Miyagi and in the dark arts by Gellert Grindlewald, the Red Sox will send out young phenom Clay Buchholz, who already has shown a penchant for zeroes being splayed across the “hit” portion of the scoreboard tonight.
Who will come out on top!? Who will begin the inexorable march to victory, leaving only the tattered remains of teams previous left behind them on the smoldering trail to the glistening World Series crown? Nevermind that it’s only April. This game (Remember, “this game” means every single Red Sox/Yankees game) is for all the marbles. All the swagger. Will half the nation’s children will go to bed dreaming of sugar plums and massive Dominicans swatting balls while the other half go to bed killing kittens swiftly in their sleep and a purple-lipped Alex Rodriguez powering Cape Cod electricity with the wind generated by his bat (don’t need those windmills anymore) followed by the ‘pop’ of the ball settling in Jason Varitek’s glove? Or will the Yankees triumph again?
From Babe Ruth to Bucky Dent to Aaron Boone, the Yankees have prevailed over their misbegotten siblings… until the sibling grew up and started fighting back. Even when the Yankees took their players (highlight reel of Johnny Damon excelling as a Yankee… which means maybe one clip will be shown) the Red Sox kept prevailing behind Manny peeing in the Green Monster and Jonathan Papelbon performing an irish jig in his underwear!
Red Sox!
Yankees!
Red Sox!
Yankees!
Heeeeere we goooooo!
